


No Such Thing As An Airtight Deal

by sanvitheartificer



Category: Gravity Falls
Genre: Alternate Universe - Transcendence (Gravity Falls), Demon Deals, Gen, Loopholes, see if you can catch all the tree references!, there are no canon characters and no plot and nothing happens, this is essentially a college lecture about how summoning demons is a bad idea
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-15
Updated: 2021-01-15
Packaged: 2021-03-13 12:15:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,263
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28778145
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sanvitheartificer/pseuds/sanvitheartificer
Summary: Why summoning a demon is never worth it. AKA, the author spends 1,200 words coming up with loopholes in the simplest deal ever.
Relationships: None
Comments: 1
Kudos: 43





	No Such Thing As An Airtight Deal

“There is no such thing as a completely airtight deal.” 

Professor Menziesii paused dramatically, as if she was expecting someone to object. There were a few head tilts in the audience, but no one interrupted the lecture. They all knew better by now. 

“When we're talking to other people, we rely on them wanting to communicate and understand us. For example, let's say you and a friend are talking about a party you're attending tonight, and you ask your friend, 'What should I wear?'. If your friend responds, 'My cousin is wearing sequins,' what would you think they mean by that?” 

Bai, the class clown, raised their hand. “Your cousin has terrible taste and wearing sequins to the party would be social suicide.” A few of their friends laughed. 

Professor Menziesii pointed at them. “Aha! But what makes you say that this has anything to do with the party?” 

“Uh, because... you're talking about a party? What, you think they're just saying some random non-sequitir for no reason?” 

“Of course not. Because, when you're talking to another person, you both assume you are trying to communicate. Even if your friend said something like, 'My cousin is tall,' you'd probably try and connect it to your question. Should you wear high heels? Is this cousin going to the party, and you need to try and impress them because they're very attractive? Did you mishear them somehow?” 

“So how does this relate to demons?” Bai said. 

“Demons are not trying to communicate. If you said to a demon, 'my cousin is wearing sequins', the only meaning that would have is exactly the meaning imbued in that statement: your cousin, at this moment, is wearing at least two sequins in some fashion. It doesn't matter what one might _reasonably_ assume; if it serves their purpose, the demon will interpret this as 'three gigantic sequins strung round their neck like a collar'.” 

“Take, for instance, the kind of trade humans make with each other all the time. You have a dollar, and you would like to trade this dollar for an apple that a demon has. So, you've decided which demon to summon, you've drawn your circle and your binding, you've thought beforehand about exactly what you are willing to offer and exactly what you want. Now, all that is left is to name your terms.”

Professor Menziesii waved on the slideshow, changing it to a picture of a human and a demon, holding a dollar and a ripe red apple, respectively. “What terms would you name to try and carry out this deal?” 

Dekel in the front row raised her hand slowly. “What about something like, um, 'I will give you the dollar I am holding in my hands for the apple you are holding in your hands at this moment?'” 

Professor Menziesii smiled. “That's pretty good. If you were making a deal with a human, that would almost certainly be enough to avoid confusion. However, if you are dealing with a demon who wants to get as much out of this deal as it possibly can, it might find a loophole like this.” She waved at the screen, and the slide panned to the right, where three disembodied hands behind the demon were each holding a rotten apple core. There were a few scattered chuckles. 

“These are 'the demon's hands', so to speak. The demon could give you this apple and still fulfill the deal. Now, I want everyone to work together to try and figure out a deal no demon could get out of.” 

Five minutes of busy discussion later, Javor cleared his throat and read, “I will exchange the dollar with serial number 1234567 that I am holding in my hand at this moment on July 1 st , 2671, in exchange for the red apple I can currently see in your hands attached to your current physical manifestation.” 

“Ah, very good! Specificity! However, there's a loophole. The demon gives you the apple eighty years later. It is a rotted husk and because of currency changes, your dollar is now worth ten thousand dollars of current money. Try again!” 

“Fine, add a clause that says, 'Five minutes after the end of this sentence, provided we have both agreed to the deal',” Javor said. 

“'This sentence' is ambiguous. The demon takes it to mean your upcoming prison sentence, which coincidentally ends in eighty years.” 

“'The sentence I am currently speaking'?” 

Dekel interrupted before the professor could explain how that wouldn't work, either. “Wait a second, Professor. Wouldn't you just spend the dollar before that if the demon made you wait eighty years?” 

“Good question! Yes, sometimes demons are vulnerable to the necessity of some kind of shared understanding. If you break your end of the deal, the demon will of course not fulfill its end of the deal, and in some cases there may even be magical consequences for breaking a demon deal. But in a case like this one, that would likely still be a better option for you than letting the deal play out eighty years later – unless you forget that it happened after a while, or assume that the deal was already broken.” 

The professor copied the updated version of the deal they'd come up with onto the board. 'I will exchange the dollar with serial number 1234567 that I am holding in my hand at this moment on July 1 st , 2671, in exchange for the red apple I can currently see in your hands attached to your current physical manifestation. This exchange will happen five minutes after the end of the sentence I am currently speaking, provided we have both agreed to this deal.'

She said, “What if the demon poisons the apple? Or what if it looks perfect but in fact it is a cardboard replica? What if, in some long-forgotten tongue, 'the dollar with serial number 1234567 that I am holding in my hand at this moment' translates to 'my soul'?” 

“Seriously?” Bai muttered. 

“Yes, this is an absurd way to translate this statement. And, after all, how does it benefit the demon to poison you? The point, though, is that demons will not play fair. A demon is unlikely to take advantage of a deal like this, because figuring out a way to twist it to the demon's favor would take an annoying amount of effort. However, they may also simply decide not to carry out a deal like this. Since it cannot easily be twisted, it may not even be worth their time.” 

“With excellent bindings, you _might_ make it more trouble for the demon to _not_ fulfill this deal than to fulfill it. But there is no way to write a completely airtight deal. Even in a simple trade of an apple for a dollar, there is no way to guarantee that the demon won't deliberately misinterpret some element of what you say. After all, many demons have been around for millennia. They might know three dialects of Mermish, and Gnommish, and twelve human languages besides.” 

Laurel, also in the front row, asked, “So what do you suggest we do?” 

“The easiest option? Don't summon demons.” There was more laughter, although it sounded a little nervous. Professor Menziesii smiled. “And if you must, know exactly what you want. Know _exactly_ what you are willing to give. Consult colleagues about your wording, and include contingencies, and take your time. _Never_ make a vague deal, or a hasty one. Because no matter how good you think you are, there is _no such thing_ as an airtight deal.” 

**Author's Note:**

> Don't make deals with demons, kids. Not because it's unholy or whatever but you're NOT going to get what you want 
> 
> thanks for reading!


End file.
